Without A Shout! ... blog by Shelley Carppe

"My kids never seem to listen unless I'm shouting ..... and then they look at me like I'm crazy and ask me why I'm yelling!!"

I was talking with a mother this week who told me that she's turned into a "Shouting Mum" - and hates herself for it.  Does this sound familiar to you?

I think most of us carry some guilt over this, - we don't wake up in the morning thinking "I'm going to yell at the kids today",  but I've only ever met ONE parent who has told me they've never yelled at their children - and I suspect they may be a minority of one!

Sometimes our yelling is a result of habit, or because it's the way we've been brought up by our own parents - but more often than not, it's the result of overwhelm and frustration (or overwhelming frustration!).

Often when we yell, it's after we've asked politely, and then not so politely, and then angrily, for our teens to do something, and it's still not done. Or conversely, we've asked them over and over NOT to do something, and they're still doing it. The actions we take (yelling,) come from the emotions that we're feeling - in this case,  a sense of powerlessness is causing us frustration and anger that we can't actually MAKE this person do as we wish any more. Conversely, teenagers are at a developmental stage where they are trying to gain power - and so the battle begins. 

The best outcome is if we can encourage the teenager to do what we need done, while still giving them some control (power) over the situation.

One way to do this is by offering them choices - "Would you like to peel the potatoes in the next ten minutes, or get the washing in before 5?"

We can also use rewards, as teenagers are more motivated by reward than punishment, for example, "If you can peel the potatoes for me, I'll have time to make your favourite dessert". 

Sometimes, simply re-phrasing the request helps, asking "Could you do me a favour?" rather than issuing an order allows the teenager to retain a portion of the power - they are then helping you out off their own back, which makes them feel good.

Ultimately, sometimes, we will raise our voices. Sometimes, the overwhelm is just that, overwhelming - and in those times we need to be gentle on ourselves.  If you can, recognise the signs that you're close to the edge - and take a step back. Take some deep breaths, go for a walk, put on your favourite music, pour a coffee, meditate for 5 minutes or so. The same applies if you've succumbed to the emotions and reacted - take a break.  

We as parents spend so much time trying to meet the emotional, physical, and well-being needs of our families, we need to prioritise our own needs sometimes too - and to remember, nobody's perfect, and yelling doesn't make you a bad parent.